Saturday, 16 February 2013

One Deck Wonder: 8 of Wands

Thoth, Crowley & Harris
Could it be the hum of the universe? Do I hear the om? Is this the sound of dark matter? Who knows...

I woke up this morning to my tinnitus. Well, I wake up to it every morning, but today it seemed particularly high pitched and sharp. It's hard to describe tinnitus but I visualise it as lines of light emanating from my ears. Usually, there are multiple strands, each a different colour, which twist round and round each other like a loosely woven, ever-moving rope. This morning, above the rope, out of each ear came a very thin white light, shooting out in dead straight lines. The sound, in visual terms, seemed like two glowing silver white, metallic, extremely fine wires of sound, glinting. A contrast to the undulating, intertwining lights of my usual tinnitus. This seemed to me to be a new tone in my tinnitus, an extremely high frequency tone. Who would ever think you could long to return to what had previously been so irritating, but I found myself trying to listen past this seemingly new, unwelcome noise for the 'comfort' of the old sounds humming along underneath. I decided to just get up, because sometimes it's hard to go back to sleep once you start listening to the tinnitus. Then I drew this card, the 8 of Wands.

So there they are, the rainbow colours, and the energy beams of my tinnitus! DuQuette refers to 'speed, a high-frequency level' and 'intense activity' -- 'This card is like two people who have had too much coffee and stay up all night, talking simultaneously.' (Some people say caffeine triggers their tinnitus. I drink decaf. ha) The card looks a bit like what anxiety might look like, anxiety brought on by high frequency sound. Certainly looks like that to me this moring, anyway!

Moving beyond the red rays, I noticed the pyramids underneath. They look transparent pyramids, each facet having a different shade, and there seems to be a light source coming from the upper left corner, or perhaps the upper centre. The bottom pyramid at first seems straight, but actually its tip is leaning slightly to the upper left corner of the card. Then the top pyramid is quite misshapen and the whole thing leans toward the lower right corner of the card. Why? What do they mean? Staring at them, one begins to feel dizzy. Perhaps it is the disorientation of high speed, or high frequency. Maybe it represents a truly upright pyramid, but only seen from the point of view of someone who is hallucinating and imagining it swaying from side to side, and seeing the colours split off from one another. It's kind of like a transparent, multi-coloured pyramid of Jello, wobbling.  Like a drug trip, brought on by overloaded senses. I bet that's it.

In a reading, I often see 8 of Wands as meaning receiving a message, phone call, email, or some other form of communication. Sometimes I see it as feeling in a rush or needing to finish something quickly, or of events suddenly picking up pace. Today, I see it as my visit to the audiologist. I have an appointment today.

People who see me and talk to me have no idea that all this is raging away in my head. I'm listening to you above all this. When a room is silent, there's this blazing away at me. Because it is always, always here, I contemplate it sometimes. I wonder, fancifully, if I might just be picking up something amazing on some metaphysical level. We often talk about a hum in the universe, a strand that connects all life, an invisible strand. Sometimes I feel it's not so invisible to me. I feel it is multicoloured strands entwining, and I can hear them. It's one way to take comfort in something that might otherwise be a torment. Believe me, it is a torment. But what can one do?   There is nothing to be done for my tinnitus except to live with it. I can fight against it or I can accept it. Guess which one I choose.

If you can hear the silence today, enjoy it. And if like me you can't, maybe we hear something others can't hear. I bet you never thought of it that way. :)

ETA!!!  (5.45 pm) Well, something speedy happened today! I went to the GP on Wed to ask for a referral to an ENT in another county and was told to wait 2 weeks and call reception to see how it was going. Today in the mail I got my appointment to see this consultant! The letter is dated the same day I went to the GP! Now that was both FAST and a MESSAGE. So...8 of Wands. How cool is that. Plus, it's regarding my tinnitus and hearing. It's all connected, people!

11 comments:

  1. It must be very difficult for you Carla, especially when you are in the library where it can get really quiet. I have the 'hum' of the universe being described as 'the music of the spheres'!!

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    1. It's actually a bit worse when there's lots of noise. I've got new hearing aids and they like to amplify everything, so it's hard for me to listen to the person in front of me. But hopefully I will get used to that. You're right, though, quiet moments, if I let them, can get a bit torturous.

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  2. Hey, Carla--

    I'm a tinnitus girl, too. But I don't think about mine much. I've had it for about five or six years. Reading your post, though, it's scree-ing along with your gorgeous (trippy) description!

    On another note (ha!), I very reluctantly must tell you I am learning to appreciate the Thoth watching you read it. But, please, don't make me buy it again. Please.

    Happy Saturday Night.
    jme

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    1. When I work up this morning, a thought was spinning round my head: 'It is the sound of one hand clapping.'

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    2. About the Thoth. Resistance is futile. Mwa ha ha.

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  3. 'the sound of one hand clapping' is that what they call zen philosophy or zen question?

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    1. It is a zen koan: 'What is the sound of one hand clapping?'

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  4. I love the connections you drew here. And this is one of my favorite thoth minors. Seems like it has so much more depth than the RWS version, to me.

    Also, good luck with the consultant appt! That sounds like a frustrating issue.

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    1. I'd be interested in seeing a post about some of the depth you see in the 8 of Wands. What do you make of the rainbow and the wobbly jelly pyramid??

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    2. rainbow...on the one hand a sign of transition, the end of the rainstorm, mist still in air but sun coming back, change. also a good omen, usually, a sign from the universe to yes go ahead, go for it.

      as for the pyramid as you call it, i somehow never saw it as that. always assumed it had a bottom like the top, making it a kind of elaborately cut stone. hard, physical, and yet interesting because of the way the light, unseen waves of energy reflects and refracts off of it. mundane transformed, and electrified by those red bolts. sagitarian optimism and mercury energy and momentum. energy hitting stone changing it moving onwards, continuing in constant motion...

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    3. Wow, and I saw a wobbling bowl of glistening rainbow jelly! ha ha What a contrast! :)

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