|Thoth, Crowley & Harris|
I woke up this morning to my tinnitus. Well, I wake up to it every morning, but today it seemed particularly high pitched and sharp. It's hard to describe tinnitus but I visualise it as lines of light emanating from my ears. Usually, there are multiple strands, each a different colour, which twist round and round each other like a loosely woven, ever-moving rope. This morning, above the rope, out of each ear came a very thin white light, shooting out in dead straight lines. The sound, in visual terms, seemed like two glowing silver white, metallic, extremely fine wires of sound, glinting. A contrast to the undulating, intertwining lights of my usual tinnitus. This seemed to me to be a new tone in my tinnitus, an extremely high frequency tone. Who would ever think you could long to return to what had previously been so irritating, but I found myself trying to listen past this seemingly new, unwelcome noise for the 'comfort' of the old sounds humming along underneath. I decided to just get up, because sometimes it's hard to go back to sleep once you start listening to the tinnitus. Then I drew this card, the 8 of Wands.
So there they are, the rainbow colours, and the energy beams of my tinnitus! DuQuette refers to 'speed, a high-frequency level' and 'intense activity' -- 'This card is like two people who have had too much coffee and stay up all night, talking simultaneously.' (Some people say caffeine triggers their tinnitus. I drink decaf. ha) The card looks a bit like what anxiety might look like, anxiety brought on by high frequency sound. Certainly looks like that to me this moring, anyway!
Moving beyond the red rays, I noticed the pyramids underneath. They look transparent pyramids, each facet having a different shade, and there seems to be a light source coming from the upper left corner, or perhaps the upper centre. The bottom pyramid at first seems straight, but actually its tip is leaning slightly to the upper left corner of the card. Then the top pyramid is quite misshapen and the whole thing leans toward the lower right corner of the card. Why? What do they mean? Staring at them, one begins to feel dizzy. Perhaps it is the disorientation of high speed, or high frequency. Maybe it represents a truly upright pyramid, but only seen from the point of view of someone who is hallucinating and imagining it swaying from side to side, and seeing the colours split off from one another. It's kind of like a transparent, multi-coloured pyramid of Jello, wobbling. Like a drug trip, brought on by overloaded senses. I bet that's it.
In a reading, I often see 8 of Wands as meaning receiving a message, phone call, email, or some other form of communication. Sometimes I see it as feeling in a rush or needing to finish something quickly, or of events suddenly picking up pace. Today, I see it as my visit to the audiologist. I have an appointment today.
People who see me and talk to me have no idea that all this is raging away in my head. I'm listening to you above all this. When a room is silent, there's this blazing away at me. Because it is always, always here, I contemplate it sometimes. I wonder, fancifully, if I might just be picking up something amazing on some metaphysical level. We often talk about a hum in the universe, a strand that connects all life, an invisible strand. Sometimes I feel it's not so invisible to me. I feel it is multicoloured strands entwining, and I can hear them. It's one way to take comfort in something that might otherwise be a torment. Believe me, it is a torment. But what can one do? There is nothing to be done for my tinnitus except to live with it. I can fight against it or I can accept it. Guess which one I choose.
If you can hear the silence today, enjoy it. And if like me you can't, maybe we hear something others can't hear. I bet you never thought of it that way. :)
ETA!!! (5.45 pm) Well, something speedy happened today! I went to the GP on Wed to ask for a referral to an ENT in another county and was told to wait 2 weeks and call reception to see how it was going. Today in the mail I got my appointment to see this consultant! The letter is dated the same day I went to the GP! Now that was both FAST and a MESSAGE. So...8 of Wands. How cool is that. Plus, it's regarding my tinnitus and hearing. It's all connected, people!