I hate thinking about 'the future'

Thoth, Crowley-Harris (1986 AG Muller)

And by 'the future', I mean 'retirement'. 

I drew these three cards this morning. What have I been doing all day long? Thinking about money; in particular, about savings and pensions.

The biggest, giantest, most scariest-est fear of my life is 'What happens to me when I'm an old lady????' There's not that many more shopping days until Christmas, people. In 19 years I will be 67 -- state retirement age. What I've got to do is try to identify my pensions gap and then figure out how to fill it as much as I can between now and then. But how the heck do I do that? Money freaks me out. I don't understand it.



So today...I have taken notes. I have dug around in some very bureaucratic  official websites. I have drafted a couple of letters to the IRS and the SSA. I have sent an email. I have made a phone call. I have harrassed and griped at the hubster. And it's all there in this morning's draw. In the middle--Ace of Coins--money, material things, financial matters. Yes, it's in its upright position, but I don't do reversals, I read for both. It looms in the centre of the spread, the spectre of my fear, the impetus of my actions. On the left, Knight of Swords, his mind awhirl with those propeller-blades, flies through the air--my thoughts, trying to make order of the chaos. Trying to come up with a plan. Or at least a first step. And the Hierophant, those big government agencies I've been trying to contact today, that I need to appeal to for wisdom, guidance and help. It's all there.

(This isn't the first day I've thought about this -- oh my no! But I hope this is the beginning of getting to grips with the fear. My goal: to feel that I have taken all the steps I can to future financial security. Such as it can be. That no matter how modest the amount, that I am handling my fnances in the most informed way possible. Big goal.)