When I was about to turn 40, I remember saying that 50 sounded like a 'regal age'. I said, 'If you don't know who you are by then, you're probably not going to figure it out.' I looked forward to stepping into my queenly fifty-first year. As my fiftieth year comes to a close and I prepare to embark on my fifty-first spin around the sun, this morning I recalled thinking that. I turn 50 on Friday and I must say I do feel at peace with many things that have troubled me in the past. I just don't care anymore. And by that I mean I realise that it doesn't matter.
For example, there's been a certain thorn in my side work colleague. The history with this toxic person goes way back. She tried some of her old tricks on me yesterday, and I felt myself starting to react within myself the way I used to. But then, I just stopped. I realised not only am I not afraid of her anymore, I think she's ridiculous. I don't have to let it affect me, and the best thing is, I don't have to tell myself anymore not to let it affect me. I just didn't let it affect me. I dismissed it with a 'pffft.' That's the sort of wisdom about what matters that I've looked forward to, that has been slowly growing within me, and that I feel more and more comfortable living.
I'm not saying that this is happening of a sudden because my magical 50th birthday approaches. Rather, I'm realising particularly this week how far I've come. Yesterday a friend gave me a card that said, '50 and more lovely than ever.' Funnily enough, that's how I feel. Learning to be comfortable with yourself is a relief. I find that I'm sleeping better and longer and I tend to judge myself less. I can change my mind or make a decision and not feel the need to explain myself or apologise. I don't owe the world an apology for my existence -- and if you've ever felt that way, you know what I mean by that. (Plus we finally bought a house, and that seems to be contributing greatly to my feeling of security and ease. That great looming worry, that insurmountable obstacle, was tackled in a matter of months, clearing the way for us to take a meaningful look at our retirement options, with far fewer question marks.)
So 6 of Disks today is a good draw. Key word 'Success'. That little parrot in the corner is singing away -- he's got nothing not to sing about. I don't know what that yellow flower is in the image, I'm sure it means something to someone. But I do know what this card means to me.
Have a great day!
Edited to add -- the girls at work surprised me with this:
It was so lovely of them to go to the trouble. The cake was made by our resident master baker, and her cakes are highly prized! (Pay no attention to the fact that some of the topping have already been nibbled off.)