I woke up this morning wondering why I'm not making progress on the goals I set for Aug 2011 - Aug 2012. I made a 90-day plan and was diligent for the first few days on some of them, but others, I've either made no progress or actively worked in the opposite direction.

I was going to put this down to natural human rebellion against discipline. I often used to think that it was a childish response to authority, even my own. You tell a kid to do something, he bullishly will refuse to do it, or might go off and do the opposite, just to spite you. It's not personal, just his way of asserting himself as an individual in a world where he feels powerless. Seems ridiculous to do something like that to YOURSELF!  But then, people are pretty weird. I've often used this explanation of my actions and those of others.

This morning, though, I read something that made me look at it in a different light. It is the concept that wherever there is suffering (or unskillful actions), there is compassion, though most of the time somewhat twisted by the confused logic of ego and the process of ego. This comes from a book by Daniel Ingram, with the wonderful title, 'Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha: An Unusually Hardcore Dharma Book'.

'It is common for people to feel bad about their lack of progress. This can cause them to feel extremely frustrated, and produce all sorts of self-judgement...' The author goes on to advise us to use insight meditation to pinpoint the sensations of the emotion, its location in our bodies, its duration, and so on. Here's the kicker:

'Now, find the compassion in it. Take a minute or two to reflect on why this particular sensation seems to be of some use even though it may not seem completely useful in its current form. Is there a wish for yourself or others to be happy in this sensation? Is there a wish for the world to be a better place? Is there a wish to find pleasure, tranquility, or the end of suffering?

'Notice that fear has in it the desire to protect us or those about whom we care. Anger wants the world to be happy or work well or for justice to be done. Frustration comes from the caring sensations of anger being thwarted. Desire is rooted in the wish to be happy. Judgement comes from the wish for things to conform to high standards. Sadness comes from the sense of how good things could be...

'From a certain point of view, we are all doing our best all time, and the problem is that we do not see clearly enough.' 

Ingram advises us to be careful of setting goals that are too future-oriented. He says that a good goal is method-oriented rather than results-oriented.  As this is a book on dharma, his examples are related to enlightenment, but I believe this principle can be applied to anything. He says the wish to become enlightened is a purely results-oriented goal, while the wish to deeply understand the true nature of the sensations making up one's world as they arise in today's practice or during today, would be a fine method-oriented goal. 'Purely future-oriented goals are at best mostly worthless and at worst very dangerous,' he says.

So I take out my deck and draw 7 of Pentacles. What is happening in this card? Are the figures reading a book about gardening? Are they sitting in a support group talking about why gardening is so hard for them? Are they scribbling journal entries about how they want their garden to look in 2012? Are they chanting affirmations about what great gardeners they are? No...they're working in the garden. And it's not a neat, orderly work method they're using either. It's all over the place. They've got bare fresh-tilled earth, which they're planting with seed, but also there are flowers in full bloom in the same plot. The tree is in full blossom and green leaf but also has ripe fruits (the coins) AND dead leaves falling off it at the same time. There is sowing, growing, harvesting, and fallowness all going on at the same time here. Progression toward a goal is not straightforward. But no matter how convoluted it gets, it's not because you're a bad person. It's because everything you do or feel, comes from a place of compassion and a good wish for the world. It just gets a little twisted in the expression because we don't realise that's what it is, and are busy judging ourselves or others through the filter of our egos. But look at these guys. They're not worried about their egos. They are IN THE MOMENT. Fully accepting that this garden doesn't make any logical sense. Enjoying the fruit. Even messing around and having a laugh about how silly it all is (see how the guy is tweaking the booby of the tree...ha!)

So, the card is saying, work in the moment. Keep your goals in the moment. They will lead naturally to a future-oriented goal. And along the way, don't judge yourself, but recognize your ego-twisted logic and its expression. You didn't eat the apple pie or fail to do your sitting meditation because you have a rebellious spirit. You did it because in that moment you wanted to be happy, to enjoy, and because you were not fully present in that moment and had no clear idea of what you wanted to accomplish in that moment. Can I stop and ask myself, what is my goal in this moment? How is what I'm doing coming from a twisted version of compassion? What would be a more skillful act of compassion in this moment?

May I be mindful  of my actions in each moment. May I realise that the garden of my life is not linear and that's okay.