Rise above

What is the most helpful thing I can do for myself today? 

Ancien TdM, Grimaud 1973

Hew down troubled thoughts and give them as an offering to your inner knowing. 

Thoughts that seek to destroy you should be met by the serene indifference of your inner knowing.

The 8 of Swords is all about troubled thoughts. The number 8 itself stand for 'ideas or thoughts of the mind', and Swords 'are the troubles that plague every man'. So the 8 of Swords is the perfect card to represent overthinking, particularly obsessive worries about the 'troubles that plague every man' -- thoughts about things like losing a source of income, having a catastrophic illness, or someone dropping dead, contemplating your own mortality, right down to smaller universal troubles like never being sure you're doing the right thing, or looking back on the past and wishing things had gone differently, all of these are 'troubles that plague every man'. They happen to everyone. The 8 of Swords represents worrying about these things. In fact, the Grimaud LWB says, 'This card has powerful undercurrents and possesses no meaning in the abstract sense. Heavy and overpowering, it marks despair because of the evil undercurrents that it attracts.' Wow. We can all justifiably worry about these things. But does it do us any good?

In this story of the cards, even though Death is facing the High Priestess, I don't think he's going for her. I think he's making obeisance to her. It looks like he's just chopped up worries from the 8 of Swords and is looking to her for approval. She certainly looks on at him with a benign and pleasant expression. They see eye to eye. So it could be that he's destroyed the overthinking and is turning it over to the higher mind, the aspect of self that exists above the ego. That's one way to read the story of the cards.

Another way to look at this draw is that in fact 8 of Swords and Death ARE working together -- the overwhelming thoughts and Death have teamed up to try to destroy you. But they find themselves squared up against a more powerful force than themselves -- inner knowing. In this story told by the cards, Death uses the 8 of Swords as his primary weapon, wreaks havoc in the mind, turns toward the High Priestess looking rather exhausted and hoping to go for her next, but nope. She is wise to his tricks. She looks mildly at him. She even looks somewhat amused by him. He can stand there panting and clutching his scythe all he likes. She knows that while she's locked eyes with him, he doesn't have the strength in his scrawny arm to raise it against her.  He'd just better hope she doesn't decide to lift her hand from her book against him! But she won't have to. And that's another way to read the story of these cards.

That is the most helpful thing I can do for myself today. Rise above troubled thoughts that believe they can destroy me. They can't. I cannot be destroyed -- not even by myself. No, not even if my thoughts have convinced me that they can. They can't. Not if I look them in the face and let them know I see them. They can't get the real 'I'. Not the higher me.

I'll grow up some day but today was apparently not the day

Tarot of the Spirit by Pamela Eakins

I finally received a copy of the companion book for this deck yesterday. I didn't realise I'd ordered a used copy, and this one is not only grubby, whoever owned it before me felt compelled to underline every line of the text for the first two chapters, in shaky pencil lines, and draw big Xs next to a few things that must have been extra impressive (they probably said it 'resonated'), and then abruptly stopped reading. I of course have been busily scrubbing the pencil lines out and writing my own snarky responses to the text in the margins, in pen. This has proven irresistible. I must talk back to it. I have no doubts Eakins is a spiritual and lovely person and she is clearly knowledgeable and sincere (what with her PhD and all), but I do chuckle a bit at sentences like:

'There is an infinitude I want to convey, and so I will try to bundle it into the next few pages in much the same way a forest of oak trees can be bundled into an acorn. As in a mystery, though much will be concealed, much will be revealed also. ...Even as I write to you, I am excited as a summer seed slipping out of its winter coat to enter into the miracle of its burgeoning.' Well, a healthy self esteem is a good thing, I guess. Chasing metaphors beyond two lines means you should probably back up and start again. (At least that's what my old uni professor said. He used to wear a fish tie. I wonder whatever happened to him.) And she says 'querists' for 'querants' which also amuses me greatly. It just sounds funny. (Seriously, though, while both words are archaic, a querant 'seeks', whereas a querist merely 'asks'. Which would you rather do in a reading? ... On a side note, it's been said that I talk about writers as if they have no feelings, but, if you put something out there for public consumption, you need to be ready for some people not to be as in love with your baby as you are.) After a few pages of this, you begin to settle into the prose style. I mean, I've waded through Regardie, Fortune and Waite, a little tortured flowery language isn't going to stand between me and a few good tarot/occult insights. I won't judge the ideas by the words they're wrapped in, but I might laugh at the words.

Anyway, I've made it to page 32, and there is much I agree with. Also much I disagree with. I agree that tarot is '78 different angles on any given subject'. But the significator is NOT the 'first card you draw in a spread,' and I don't know many readers who read by turning the cards all face down and turning them over one at a time 'fully interpreting each card before moving on to the next.' Yet Eakins says you must do it this way. She also advocates drawing lots of so-called 'clarifiers' for when you are 'confused or dissatisfied' with what you've drawn,  and most distressing of all, she says, 'I will not end the reading until I feel the story has a happy ending.' Really? Because there are some situations that you are going to need four or five decks for before you get to a 'happy ending' -- if you ever do! Some situations don't have a 'happy ending', sorry! Not everything is going to be tied up in a nice fat bow just because you've paid someone to turn over some cards for you. You have to be prepared to hear what you hear. And no, I am not talking about predicting the future. I'm talking about just plain old facing the truth.

So anyway, I'm finding it entertaining and engaging (though maybe not for all the right reasons), I can't really say yet whether this is a book I will refer to regularly. Or even if this is a deck I will use regularly, for that matter. If I want a blurry, Thoth-ish deck, I think I would probably reach for the Intuitive Tarot (Cilla Conway).

On to today's draw, The High Priestess. Feet planted wide apart, substantial legs framing the unfurling scroll (so much for hidden secrets), sturdy arms braced elbow on thigh, and an eyeball for a head. Not exactly the prom queen. And do I see stigmata? What are those blurry red bits? She's got gimel and the moon lurking just behind her on either side...but I don't know. Something about the set-up here makes me think she's sitting at the end of a bowling lane. Maybe it's those blue gutters on either side of the black and white floor.

I'm feeling way too candid to continue. The moon is definitely in Sagittarius. :)

The Hamburger Moment: A Reading

An article that's making the rounds on Facebook caught my eye the other day:

The Hamburger Moment: I wasn't treating my husband fairly and it wasn't nice

I recognized a lot of my own patterns of behaviour in that article, and not for the first time. I know from experience that I am not the only woman who tends to come down very hard on her partner for small things. I've listened to women complain to each other vigorously about such sins as leaving wet towels in the floor, not opening the hamper but leaving clothes on top, and putting toilet paper the wrong way round. I have certainly seen a lot of this sort of behaviour on TV shows like 'Everybody Loves Raymond' and 'Home Improvement,' etc (forgive my ancient TV references, I don't watch a lot of sitcoms anymore). I guess we've been doing this crap for a long time; it's even mentioned in the Bible: 'A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand' (Proverbs 27:15-16). Ha ha!

I don't have a clue about the bigger picture of why there seems to be a pattern of women nitpicking. Maybe it has something to do with some underlying pressure to be perfect ourselves, imposed on us by cultural and societal expectations, maybe it's learned behaviour from watching our mothers, don't know, but what I do know is I can try to recognize and address this sort of thing in myself. Better late than never. So here is what I asked:

1. Why do I slip into the habit of constant fault-finding in my husband? 

2. What is the best course of action to address this? 

3. What is the biggest challenge in this course of action?
4. What is the biggest support?

5. What is the outcome? 

I then pulled 5 cards and examined them:  7 of Cups - 2 of Pents - 10 of Swords - 10 of Wands - 6 of Cups. I was getting an impression of the reading, but decided to pull clarifiers for each card in the spread (not something I usually do) and laid them in a second row beneath: Sun - Ace of Wands - High Priestess - King of Swords - Queen of Wands. Each card I laid down felt like 'Boom! There it is!' They just solidified the original draw so well. Let's take them in pairs. 

 I do this because of deceptive, destructive fantasies of perfection. It's not just him I hold to these unconscious rules, it's the entire world! I've been reading a lot about irrational beliefs that underlie our unhelpful responses to life, and I've identified several from a list produced by Albert Ellis (12 Self-Defeating Beliefs). The ones at work here seem to be:

*People should always do the right thing and when they don't, they must be punished.
*Things must be the way I want them or life will be intolerable.
*My unhappiness is caused by things outside my control, so there is little I can do to feel better.
*Every problem must have an ideal solution, and it is intolerable when one cannot be found.
*To be a worthy person, one must succeed at what they do and make no mistakes.

I have no idea how these irrational rules and beliefs become embedded in us, but I have found that when I feel upset about something, if I have a look at these lists, I can usually quickly identify the irrational belief or demand that is causing the discomfort. It is rather uncanny. So what's the best course of action?

To create 'a partnership working with proper energy flow and support', I must remember that 'mood swings may threaten stability' and that 'anger and not fully understanding the consequences of actions' will break down the balance. (The quotations come directly from the LWB of the Sacred Rose Tarot deck. It's useful to keep and to check the LWB! Sometimes what you find there is spot on!)

The key here is to learn to catch myself between the irrational belief and the consequences (that's the exact term used by Ellis -- fits, doesn't it!) of that belief. It's almost impossible to do that, so the only way you can change a habitual response is by doing what Ellis called ABC analysis (see previous blogs here and here). Over time, with reflection and by disputing irrational beliefs after the fact, the behaviour begins to change. That's the theory, and it's certainly helped with my tinnitus, so why not try it here.

The biggest challenge is of course rooting out and recognizing the self-defeating actions. That's reflected in the pairing of 10 of Wands and High Priestess. The LWB says there are 'excessive pressures and problems to be resolved' and that good judgement is based on 'logic and knowledge removed from the confusion of emotion.' That is precisely the process of REBT. It's not easy, it's hard work. So it's the biggest challenge.

The biggest support comes from the cerebral nature of the whole thing. This is the death of irrational beliefs and the meticulous re-training of the thinking needed to challenge and change them. If the King of Swords were to identify something as entirely self-defeating, he would be merciless in rooting it out. This is a good thing. When my King of Swords nature recognizes how illogical and pointless certain beliefs are, he simply won't allow me to believe them anymore. And when I don't hold a certain belief anymore (like 'people must be perfect and they if they make a mistake they deserve to be punished') then I won't react to events based on that belief anymore (like if my husband or I drop the cafetiere and break it, it is cause for a flash of anger and sharp words). -- If my underlying belief can be changed to 'People make mistakes and though it's inconvenient it is not intolerable and we remain worthy human beings regardless of our mistakes', then dropping the cafetiere would result in 'Oh crap, oh well.'

The outcome of attacking this behaviour using these techniques? I will become responsible (or accept responsibility for) my own emotions. This will allow me to access the better qualities of my Queen of Wands nature: warmth and affection coupled with authority and determination.


I then asked, 'What is the overall message to me about this issue?' and drew three cards:

It's up to me to recall the source of love and emotion and to exercise my free will in deciding how I will react, what path I will choose in response to the cycles of the day-to-day. There is always a choice in response to the Wheel of Fortune. May its genesis be love, and not flawed beliefs and unconscious rules. 

All images in this post are from Sacred Rose Tarot (US Games 1982). 

A direct experience of your life

I first  reviewed the Art of Life Tarot in 2012, but I have yet to use it much. I have kept it though, through many deck culls, because it appeals to me as something that is handy to have for daily draws, for the expression of the heart of each card's meaning. Today's card is the High Priestess, with a quotation from Lao Tzu.

At all times we can trust our deepest inner knowing. We just don't always see how to get to it. So much gets in the way. We allow circumstances, situations, people, dogmas, or systems to come between us and our truth.

We think it requires bravery to know who we are and what we want. We may be afraid to look at what is. All of this comes of illusion, of images, rather than from reality. Even the attempt to name 'what is' results in a new layer of illusion separating ourselves from our truth. And we think that if we confront the truth of what is, it means we will have to change, to 'become'. This is an illusion, a world of images, but not reality. We are taught that life is about striving to 'become' something, to seek transformation. But have you ever considered that transformation only occurs when we let go of the concept of 'becoming'?

I have been contemplating the teachings of Jiddu Krishnamurti recently. Consider his thoughts on the concept of 'becoming': 

'The mind has an idea, perhaps pleasurable, and it wants to be like that idea, which is a projection of your desire. You are this, which you do not like, and you want to become that, which you like. The ideal is a self-projection; the opposite is an extension of what is; it is not the opposite at all, but a continuity of what is, perhaps somewhat modified. The projection is self-willed, and conflict is the struggle towards the projection. You are struggling to become something, and that something is part of yourself. The ideal is your own projection. See how the mind has played a trick upon itself. You are struggling after words, pursuing your own projection, your own shadow. You are violent, and you are struggling to become nonviolent, the ideal; but the ideal is a projection of what is, only under a different name.

'When you are aware of this trick that you have played upon yourself, then the false as the false is seen. The struggle towards an illusion is the disintegrating factor. All conflict, all becoming is disintegration. When there is an awareness of this trick that the mind has played upon itself, then there is only what is. When the mind is stripped of all becoming, of all ideals, of all comparison and condemnation, when its own structure has collapsed, then the what is has undergone complete transformation. As long as there is the naming of what is, there is relationship between the mind and what is; but when this naming process - which is memory, the very structure of the mind -is not, then what is is not. In this transformation alone is there integration.'

- J Krishnamurti, The Book of Life

The High Priestess teaches us that we already know what is. Krishnamurti affirms as well that we already are 'what we are' as well as 'what we want'.  All conflict, all becoming, is disintegration. Therefore, let us not concern ourselves with naming of 'what is', or naming of what we want to become. Let us relax into a direct experience of our lives.

Tarot and the 12 Steps: 1-3

Introduction

This is the first in a series of 4 posts in which I examine how (if at all) the first 12 tarot majors fit in with the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (and thus all 12-step recovery programs.)

1. We admitted we were powerless over _______, that our lives had become unmanageable.  

Tarot readers usually think of the Fool as representing  positive energy and possibility, and often overlook his very harmful shadow side. The Fool can equally be impulsive, reckless, heedless, ignoring advice, indiscreet, stupid, lacking in judgement, childish, making bad decisions, and in dire peril of harming both himself and those around him at all times. The Fool can easily embody the bravado and overconfidence of the addict who thinks they've got it all under control, or that no harm can come to them, or that they don't really care whether something harms them or not, and who take no notice at all of the impact of their actions on others, helplessly watching them put themselves in danger.

At some point, the Fool may look down and realise...'Oh my god, I'm taking a step off a cliff! I'm falling off a f**ing cliff! How did I get into this position? Where can I turn? What can I do? How can ever, ever get out of this stupid perilous position I have got myself into?'

The Fool will have admitted that he is powerless over the impulses that got him where he is, and that yes, absolutely, where he stands now, his life has become unmanageable. (Is his little dog codependent, that's another question!)

Empty vessel

This week I'm drawing from the Druidcraft Tarot by Phillip Carr-Gomm and William Worthington.

It was a busy day today, the first day of my new job. I felt tired and overwhelmed, and this card reminded me to just take it all in and let it percolate inside. So that's what I did. I was an empty vessel, receiving -- much like the shape of the High Priestess's arms, which form a grail or cup shape to receive wisdom from the moon and the stars.

When I got home, I was knackered, my feet hurt and I was starving. I left the house at 7.35 am, got home at nearly 7 pm. This is going to be the case most days, so when I will ever find the time or inclination to work out again, who knows! But that, too, is something to worry about another day.

I drew all my cards for the week in advance, and funnily enough, the entire week after today is Pentacles -- not a big surprise considering my week will be dominated by learning the basics of a new job.