When is it ever enough?

Interesting that this lady should turn up today, because I've started thinking along Queen of Pentacles lines in the last couple of days.

Diabetes and overweight run in my family. I know this. And yet for the last few years, I've not only stopped working out entirely, I've also eaten with more or less wild abandon. It's almost like I've got a death wish. In the last year alone, I've gained 10 lbs. But these last few days in particular have brought home to me the peril I'm putting myself in. Three days in a row, I've baked a cake. The two of us have eaten the whole cake each day. They're small cakes, but each cake contains 1 cup of sugar in the cake, and 1 cup of icing sugar in the frosting. So that means in the last three days, I have eaten THREE CUPS OF SUGAR in the form of cake. This does not include the sugar in the jam on my toast, and other sneaky sources. I have also had a really intense headache that I can't shake, despite having Beconase and paracetamol. The ringing in my ears is also louder to me. I may be getting a sinus infection, don't know, but I can't help but think it's the gigantic sugar consumption. I know it's kind of dangerous to diagnose using online tools, but Warning Signs of Type-2 Diabetes lists 17 signs, and over recent months, I have had 8 of them. In any case, stopping this behaviour will only be good for me. My poor pancreas. How could I do this to it?

Today's card is Queen of Pentacles from Tarot de St Croix. Apparently she is the Queen of Sheba, and the companion book places more emphasis on abundance and the good life, but the Queen of Pentacles is grounded in the body as well, and concerns herself with health. Even the symbols of the good life here are natural ones -- fresh fruits and vegetables, fresh air and sunshine, etc.

It's an odd time of year to embark on a health kick, but to be honest, I don't feel up to any more junk. My appetite for it is greatly diminished, as if my poor little pancreas and other vital workings are finally speaking up in outrage.

Divine connection

Well, I've drawn this card three days in a row so I guess I am going to have to take a look at it, Magician from Tarot de St Croix.

The little companion book to this deck says that the figure depicted here is the Sufi mystic, Rumi. His name was Jalal al Din Rumi, and he lived in Aghanistan, 1207-1273, a mystic and poet who wrote in Persian, and whose influence is far-reaching. The general thread running through Rumi's works is the longing for connection with the All, or as Rumi called it the 'Beloved'. He believed strongly that ritual music, poetry and dance could help with a pure connection to the 'Beloved', and it's from these ideas that the 'whirling Dervishes' emerged.

So, on the card we see a man dressed much like one of those whirling Dervishes (and looking a lot like a fairy tale wizard, too), standing in the middle of a wagon wheel, apparently pulling tarot cards down from the heavens and directing them towards the earth, while basking in a blazing sun.

Deck creator Lisa de St Croix writes, 'The Magician is the root number of the Sun which radiates above and the Wheel of Fortune on which he stands as it spins over a vast desert. The elements are represented on the tarot cards which he brings forth from the Great Mystery and circulates out toward us. His robe indicates the cosmos and the symbol on his cap refers to the moon phases.'

The tarot cards looming at us in the foreground are the ace cards, showing the elements: fire, earth, water and air (wands, pentacles, cups, swords). The figure's arms are raised in an as above-so below formation, so this card is not that different from the traditional RWS Magician. The meaning is also traditional: 'Through focused energy we are able to harness the means to create our destiny.'

It's probably no secret that lately I haven't been feeling like I have much hand in creating my own destiny. I think sometimes we misread the Magician card, and say things like, 'The Magician has everything he needs within himself to manifest all his desires.' But if that's so, why wouldn't the Magician have his hands over his heart, or have them thrust forward with lightning bolts emanating from them? No, we always see him drawing down power from above and manifesting it below. He is a conduit or channel for something. His Higher Power.

'Love came and it made me empty.
Love came and it filled me with the Beloved.
It became the blood in my body
It became my arms and my legs.
It became everything!
Now all I have is a name,
The rest belongs to the Beloved.'
                                                  ~Rumi

The Magician is not bending energy from the Universe to his will. He is not commanding and directing the elements. He is rather completely infused with the Universe. He is in submission, he has surrendered entirely to it, and this is where his power comes from. It's not his power. It's the Higher Power.

When we don't feel that we have much hand in creating our destiny, it's a sure sign we are living by Will and Ego and resistant to the flow of the Beloved (or the All, the Universe, the Higher Power, Goddess, or even God -- whatever you want to call it.)

Reminders come from all directions.

Balance is wisdom

What wisdom does my Higher Power offer today in facing my angers and resentments?

The card King of Wands from Tarot de St Croix features Hermes Trismegistus (Hermes the Thrice Great). The illustration is clearly based on the one below by Jacques Boissard, 1605. Hermes Trismegistus is credited with writing texts that espouse a system of theological and mystical philosophy that appears to have emerged around the 2nd century, around the same time as Neoplatonism and Gnosticism. He probably never existed, and the texts were no doubt written by various authors over the centuries.

The 7 Hermetic Principles are outlined in a text called the Kybalion:

1. 'The All is Mind' -- All outward manifestations of reality are in fact based on upon mental and spiritual realities.

2. 'As above, so below; as below, so above'. -- There is always a correspondence between the various planes of being and reality. Seems similar to 'for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction', but in the metaphysical sense.

3. 'Nothing rests. Everything moves. Everything vibrates.' Modern science now proves this is indeed true. Our very atoms and the components that make them are in constant motion. Everything is zooming around.

Unlikely enlightenment

What does my Higher Power want for me today?

It wants me to listen to spiritual teachers. And building on yesterday's card, it wants me to find spiritual teachers in unexpected places.

In this card from Tarot de St Croix, we see the Dalai Lama sat before a statue of the Buddha. For me, this is the sort of scene I picture when I think of spiritual teachers. I was a practising Buddhist for many years, before branching out into a more naturalistic pagan sort of practice. So for me, this card is as 'traditional' as the Pope in the RWS deck. Yesterday's card reminded me that spiritual awakening can come from different practices, and suggested to me that I should be more open to enlightenment appearing in unlikely places.

I've been reading a book that is proving to be unexpectedly helpful to me, an unlikely source of spiritual awakening, as I am not the book's intended audience. That book is the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. (I don't even drink.) And I've found two of the most unlikely spiritual teachers, for me, that I could possibly have imagined, Charlie P and Joe M, a pair famous amongst AA members though certainly unknown by the rest of us. The pair are famous for their study sessions on the AA Big Book, and many of their sessions were recorded. I have been listening to a recording done in 1998, found on You Tube, of a weekend Big Book study retreat. The recording is nearly 11 hours long. Only 1 hour 40 minutes in, it has already helped me so much in clarifying and understanding some issues in my life. I've been listening to it 20-30 minutes per day, but today I'm off work and have a chance to listen to a lot more of it.

Charlie is from Arkansas, Joe is from Florida. Their accents are so familiar and cozy to me, as is their gentle homespun humour and the Sunday School teacher cadences of Charlie's style in particular.

These are certainly unlikely spiritual teachers for someone like me, always looking to yoga and chanting and incense and candles or climbing up a clifftop to watch a sunset for a spiritual experience. Listening to a couple of, as they would say, 'old drunks', would not have occurred to me. But here they are.

May you be open to all the teachers that cross your path.

Experiencing the spiritual

What does the Universe wish me to submit to today?

It may seem a strange question, but I know what I mean by it, and those of you who also know may appreciate today's draw. In answer to the question, I've drawn Judgement, which is traditionally interpreted as 'heeding the call' to a new direction, etc. This card is very different in appearance, though the meaning is similar. We don't see any angels calling the dead to rise to new life. Instead we see the interior of the cathedral in Sienna, Italy.The guidebook points out and explains the various things going on in the card. In the background, a man prays. In a sunbeam, a child plays on a pattern on the floor representing the Wheel of Fortune. The lady in the card, according to the creator of the deck Lisa de St Croix, is her mentor Carrie Paris, practising a meditation technique. On the floor is a black and white fresco. So we see three different approaches to a spiritual experience -- awed worship, pure joyous connection in the moment, and a more mystic and internalised approach. The guidebook says: Judgement asks you to look at your beliefs and decide if they work for you.

Actually, I have been thinking a lot lately about my concepts of how to connect with what might be called a 'Higher Power'. Today's card answers my question by suggesting that I let go of my determination to hang on to these ideas about spiritual practices, and give new or rejected ones another chance. Let go of my willfulness and find a new way of experiencing Higher Power.

Be a booster

What is the will of the Universe for me today?

The Tarot de St Croix offers Six of Cups in answer to this question, a card that is generally interpreted to mean innocence, or nostalgia for simpler times. As usual, there is a bit of twist on this. The guidebook says:

The little girl is focused on giving her playmates exactly what they most desire, symbolised by what is in their cups. 
Meaning: By opening your heart to friendship and love, it is returned.

That's fair enough, let's take a look. We have a teddy (probably Winnie the Pooh) with honeycomb and honey. Then a troll doll with a swirl -- no idea what that is. A monkey with a banana. Raggedy Andy with a heart. Somewhat disturbingly, a golly having a rainbow poured into his cup (not sure I'd have gone there). And finally, a bunny with some carrots.

My message is made clear--today is a day for paying attention to others and helping them get what they need. I will do my best. It reminds me of a song from my childhood:

Booster, booster, be a booooooster!
Don't be grouchy like a roooooster!
Booster, booster, be a booster!
And boost our Bible school!

(Okay, the relevance fizzles out at the end, but that's how the song goes. :) )

Tarot de St Croix - Five of Pentacles

What can I do today to help keep me on the course that will change my life for the better?

I've drawn the Five of Pentacles from the Tarot de St Croix, and at first it might seem like that is not a very encouraging card as a way to stay the course to a better life. We associate this card to feelings of being shut out and bereft. But the guide book says plainly:

'Balance your struggles with hope.'

In this scene, we see men waiting online, standing against a wall for protection against the cold wind. They are day laborers, waiting for the opportunity to work. Each day they stand on the chance that a local employer in need of manual labor will pick them up for a day's work. The selection is usually based on chance, a few men counted off and loaded into the back of a truck to be transported to the day's job.

Behind them is a church, and above them, looming and gigantic, is Our Lady of Guadelupe. The vision of the Virgin Mary took place in 1531, on a site (Tepeyac Hill, Mexico City) that had originally been a place of worship of a local goddess, the mother goddess Tonantzin, which the Spanish destroyed in 1519 to replace with a chapel to the Virgin Mary. The locals continued to worship there, and some addressed the Virgin as Tonantzin.
(Tonantzin comes from Aztec mythology and can be considered Mother Earth, Goddess of Sustenance, Honored Grandmother, Mother of Corn, Bringer of Maize.)

So, whether the Virgin Mary or Tonantzin, Gaia or Maid-Mother-Crone, we have the Goddess looming large over these men in their situation of desperation. She is a reminder not to give in to despair. Whatever our struggles, we should balance them with hope.

May the grace be given to us today to balance our struggles with hope. 

Tarot de St Croix, Devera Publishing 2013

That's quite a pin you have there, Athena

What can I do today to help keep me on the course that will change my life for the better?

This was a good question the other day, so I think I will ask it daily for a while. Today's answer from Tarot de St Croix (2013) is Queen of Swords. The LWB puts it succinctly: 'Make decisions with clarity and focus.'

The card depicts Athena, goddess of wisdom, with an owl on her shoulder and a brooch of the head of Medusa on her cloak. In mythology, Medusa was killed by Perseus and her head given to Athena to put on her shield, because Medusa's head could turn onlookers to stone and therefore made a handy weapon. The Medusa story is disturbing. In the version by Ovid, Medusa was a beautiful maiden who became a votive in the temple of Athena. Poseidon turns up there and rapes her (the gods do a lot of raping; most of the stories are not very nice at all and in fact I find them quite unfathomable, but then, I'm not an ancient Greek person. Maybe it made more sense to them. Though actually, Ovid was Roman, so this later retelling probably reflects the mores of ancient Rome rather than ancient Greece.) For being raped in her temple, Athena turns Medusa into a monster with snakes for hair. Medusa flees to live in a cave, pregnant by Poseidon. When Perseus chops off her head, Pegasus and Chrysaor spring from her headless body. Nice.

Some feminists have taken on Medusa as a symbol of 'female rage', saying that female characteristics have been 'demonised' in her. Shrug. Don't know. It would make for an interesting evening of Google searching to pursue this line of thought, I bet.

My advice for today is to stay clear and focused. Got it. Do I get to turn people to stone? We'll just have to wait and see. 

Tarot de St Croix, Devera Publishing 2013

Serenity of minding my own business

What can I do today to help keep me on the course that will change my life for the better?

This card from Tarot de St Croix by Lisa de St Croix is the Four of Pentacles. The LWB says only, 'The child is the Emperor of her domain, focusing on building a castle without concern about the tide. Meaning: controlling your own projects.'

Now, I find this interesting. 'Controlling your own projects' reminds me very much of the 12-step literature I've been reading lately. The one lesson that is repeated over and over again is that there are things in this life that we are powerless over and that we should learn to accept this. Buddhism has a similar philosophy, teaching that the struggle against accepting reality is the cause of all suffering. We are also taught to tend to our own business and no one else's. I like how this little girl is building her sand castle in the safe zone (just above the tide line) instead of far, far up the beach near where the cars are parked. It shows that she has trust and that she also acknowledges that she is powerless--that there are things that she cannot control. In this case, her business is to get on with building her sand castle. She takes  precautions - she has set a 'boundary', the tide line - and then she focuses herself on her own task. She doesn't sit and stare morosely out to sea, afraid to make a start. She doesn't build the castle on the wet sand, defying the ocean to come in and knock it down. She knows that she is both safe and not safe. That things are under her control and beyond her control.

The thing I can do today to help keep me on the course that will change my life for the better is to 'keep to my side of the street', as they say in recovery language. And also to remember that while there are things beyond my control, things I am powerless over, I don't have to fear them. I can live alongside them, by letting go, with the same serenity and acceptance shown by this little girl.

Tarot de St Croix, Devera Publishing 2013

Time to scale back

I am ready to get rid of a lot of these decks I have. I am putting them on offer on my Facebook page, feel free to take a look. I am putting them up in lists a few at a time. There's some sought after stuff on offer.

What becomes of the broken-hearted?

I've been away. I finally had an actual Tower moment. Funny...when I'm in a Tower experience, the blogging gets forgotten.

I'll still be happy to do a reading for you. Order in the usual way.

Be well, friends.

Words and messages mean a lot

Child + Cross + Stars + Bouquet + Letter

(Stringing the cards together: A necessary new beginning is given hope through a message received.  A message of hope for a fresh start comes from renewed faith.)

Child = a beginning, Cross = a burden, a necessity, something that can't be avoided; also emblem for any religious faith or spirituality, Stars = hope, sometimes technology, Bouquet/Flowers = gift, something nice, pleasant, Letter = a written message

Looking at the cards again, I can see another possible message: A necessary fresh start is supported by online messages. 

Wisdom + Courage = Serenity

(Stringing the cards together: Talking about change is the solution to the woman's clarity.)

This line of 5 is Birds + Stork + Key + Woman + Star. The draw points me toward conversations, reading and other ways of communicating about the changes I want to see in my life, and that doing so will bring me clarity. Birds + Star suggests counselling to me. Stork + Woman reminds me that I am the only person I can have any influence over. That is the key to it all. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept that I cannot change people,
The courage to change the one person I can, 
And the wisdom to know it is me.

Pixie's Astounding Mlle Lenormand Cards (JM Designs 2010)

Don't you know, things can change, things can go your way

The cards from Titiania's Fortune won't quite fit on my scanner so they're overlapped a bit, but this is today's 5-card draw: Stork + Flowers + Heart + Ship + Sun.

(Stringing card meanings together: The gift of change leads our heart toward the sun. Changing as a gift of the heart moves us toward happiness. The heart yearns for fulfillment through the gift of change.)

Today is Day 18. Eighteen days of a profound change that we hope (heart + ship) leads to happiness (ship + sun). We go one day at a time. 

'I once asked a friend in recovery how long he had been sober. He reached into his pocket and took out a small diary and after fingering the pages looked up and said, "Nine thousand eight hundred and thirty-four days." 
'I asked, " What is that? Twenty-five or thirty years?"
'With complete sincerity he replied, " You know doctor. I don't really know. Maybe you can afford to think in terms of years. I have to think in terms of days." When his friend John McHugh died at age eighty-three after forty-three years of sobriety, on the night before his death he had entered in his diary the number 16,048.' 
~Abraham J Twerk, Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self-Deception

A 5-card daily draw

(Stringing together card meanings: The health and longevity of the relationship is affected by reflective learning/formality during work commute.)

Both of us have time during our work commutes for reflection on all the things we've been learning recently. It also turns out that we were talking about that this morning, how our commute time can be used for reflection and meditation on the set of formalised principles we've been learning lately. The Tower in the centre of the spread shows how important those principles and teachings are for our growth -- and 'growth'  is reinforced by the pairing of the first and last cards in the spread Tree + Moon = growth resulting from reflection/intuition.

French Cartomancy (LoScarabeo, no date on box)

Mnemonic for Lenormand House Placement

This week I'm going to be looking at Caitlin Matthews' phenomenal new book, The Complete Lenormand Oracle Handbook (Destiny, 2014). I've just finished reading Chapter 1 'Learning the Language of Lenormand'. In this chapter, Matthews suggests a practice of developing a verse to help you remember House order. This will come in handy when laying out a grand tableau. She offers her own verse, but I didn't like it, so I wrote my own, based on hers. My lines are in the form of the Piquet Tableau, in which cards are laid out in 4 rows of 8 and one row of 4. I must point out, when you read this mnemonic, it makes no sense at all. But when you go through the cards in order, laying them down as you chant the verse, you soon memorise it. Then you can say it without the cards. Then you can quiz yourself or get someone to quiz you. Have them name a card, like CHILD. Your challenge is to name all the cards in the same line as CHILD, in order. Then try a quiz where you just name the cards to the left and right of CHILD. And for super university challenge status, try a quiz where you name the cards above and below CHILD. 

He RIDES through CLOVER, a SHIP is his HOME, where the TREE SHADES the SNAKE in the BOX

The FLOWERS are CUT to SHAKE at the BIRDS, and the CHILD sees a FOX and a BEAR in the STARS

The STORK flies the DOG up the TOWER, over the GARDEN, past the MOUNTAIN, and down the PATH, where the MICE steal his HEART

The RING on the BOOK on the LETTER are the MAN's, while the WOMAN offers LILIES to the SUN and the MOON

The KEY in the FISH belly ANCHORS the CROSS. 

This technique has worked for me in memorising House placement. Why not try out making your own? 

Tarot and the 12 Steps: 10-12

This is the 4th of 4 posts examining the connection between the first 12 tarot majors and the 12 steps of addiction recovery.  

Introduction
Steps 1-3
Steps 4-6
Steps 7-9

10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. 

Of Step 10, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, 'We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime' (page 84).

And so we have the Hermit, the tarot major that typifies a life's devotion to pursuing personal (and cosmic) truths through introspection, meditation, and continuous self-reflection, resulting in constant spiritual growth.

There are two prayers in AA that, according to the Big Book, go with Step 11, but I think they fit very well with Step 10, and certainly with the Hermit:

Morning prayer-
God, inspire my thinking, decisions and intuitions today. Help me to relax and take it easy. Free me from doubt and indecision. Guide me through this day and show me my next step. God, show me what I need to do to take care of any problems. I ask all these things that I may be of maximum service to you and my fellow man. In the spirit of the Steps I pray. AMEN

Tarot and the 12 Steps: 7-9

This is post 3 of 4 examining how the first 12 tarot majors fit the 12 steps of addiction recovery.

Introduction
Steps 1-3
Steps 4-6

 7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 

The Lovers card usually shows some type of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden scenario, which we see here, pointedly absent of the angel Gabriel, but with a split-bodied Cupid and a rather hairy looking serpent slithering between Adam's legs. Interesting... But what would Adam and Eve have to do with us 'humbly asking [God] to remove our shortcomings'? It's complicated.

In the Garden of Eden is where our 'shortcomings' emerged. It's there that we became self-aware, and thus where remorse and shame originated. Shortcomings like dishonesty, fear, pride, greed, envy, blame, harmful acts, and resentment -- all of these emerged because of self-awareness, because we learned to compare ourselves to perfection and understood that we could never, ever measure up to it. It's not our imperfections, then, that we need to 'humbly ask [God] to remove' -- it's our shame at being imperfect, and the things we do as a result of that shame.

I told you it was complicated.

Tarot and the 12 Steps: 4-6

This is post of 2 of 4 in which I attempt to find how the first 12 tarot majors fit in with 12 step recovery. Please see post 1 here.

4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves. 

Bill W's Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous explains Step 4 here. (Scroll to page 64 to find where Step 4 begins. It covers pages 64-71, so it's a biggie.) In this step, a lot of soul searching and being honest with oneself takes place.  I think that there is a way the Empress relates to this. The Empress 'brings forth'. She 'gives birth to'. We talk about the Magician having the ability to make things manifest, but the Empress actually does it. She brings forth crops. And when we write down in black and white our resentments, fears, angers and our wrongs, we have produced something real, too. There it is.

There's another way that the Empress relates to this step, and that is the surprising degree to which Step 4 has to do with sexuality, in childhood, adolescence and adulthood. Much of the resentment, fear, anger and wrongs of Step 4 is inured in what Bill W calls 'sex power' (1939 lingo). The Empress is acknowledged as representing both fecundity and sexuality. She is the queen of these aspects of self, and if anyone can help us make a 'searching and fearless' inventory of ourselves in these areas, I can't think of a tarot major that would be better equipped for it.

Tarot and the 12 Steps: 1-3

Introduction

This is the first in a series of 4 posts in which I examine how (if at all) the first 12 tarot majors fit in with the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (and thus all 12-step recovery programs.)

1. We admitted we were powerless over _______, that our lives had become unmanageable.  

Tarot readers usually think of the Fool as representing  positive energy and possibility, and often overlook his very harmful shadow side. The Fool can equally be impulsive, reckless, heedless, ignoring advice, indiscreet, stupid, lacking in judgement, childish, making bad decisions, and in dire peril of harming both himself and those around him at all times. The Fool can easily embody the bravado and overconfidence of the addict who thinks they've got it all under control, or that no harm can come to them, or that they don't really care whether something harms them or not, and who take no notice at all of the impact of their actions on others, helplessly watching them put themselves in danger.

At some point, the Fool may look down and realise...'Oh my god, I'm taking a step off a cliff! I'm falling off a f**ing cliff! How did I get into this position? Where can I turn? What can I do? How can ever, ever get out of this stupid perilous position I have got myself into?'

The Fool will have admitted that he is powerless over the impulses that got him where he is, and that yes, absolutely, where he stands now, his life has become unmanageable. (Is his little dog codependent, that's another question!)

Tarot and the 12 Steps

12-Step recovery programs are very popular and the amazing thing about them is they seem to apply to and work with any addiction; it doesn't matter what. Tarot is also a system that will fit any mental or spiritual journey, no matter what. So I thought I'd take a look at how the 12 Steps fit in with tarot.

Turns out I'm not the first to look at this. I found this guy's attempt: The 12 Steps of the Tarot, which appears to have been written in 2009, but I don't think he got past step 8. I don't know if he ran out of steam or what. I am not 100% with him on some of his points, but it's worth looking at. He says it is the work of someone called Antony Oliver Smith, but I can't find anymore about that. Tori Hartman has written an e-book called '12 Step Tarot' which correlates tarot cards to the 12 steps, focusing on the minors. I haven't read it and don't have the money to buy it just out of idle curiosity, so I will just have to wonder what her thoughts are. I don't think it's what I had in mind anyway, as she uses the 12 steps as a framework for learning to read tarot, rather than fitting the 12 steps to actual tarot cards (as far as I can tell).

So first let's just take a look at the 12 Steps. They began with Alcoholics Anonymous in 1939, and it's good to look at the original wording:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Many people are put off by the God talk in AA/12-step language, and I can understand why that rankles. There are many variations available online,  I found this version at 12stepsource.com which seems acceptable: 

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe and to accept that we needed strengths beyond our awareness and resources to restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to entrust our will and our lives to the care of the collective wisdom and resources of those who have searched before us.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to ourselves without reservation, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were ready to accept help in letting go of all our defects of character.
7. With humility and openness sought to eliminate our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through meditation to improve our spiritual awareness and our understanding of the AA way of life and to discover the power to carry out that way of life.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

So those are the 12 steps. Personally, I prefer the original, because I have no trouble with the word 'God' meaning anything that a person wants it to mean.

Now how do the 12 steps fit the tarot? Do the first 12 majors really fit the 12 steps? Could it be that straightforward? Let's take a look over the next few days. My goal is to cover 3 steps and cards per day. :) 

What are my blessings?

Today really is the first day of the rest of my life. The cards I've drawn to day from Sirian Starseed Tarot (Cori 2012) answer the question 'What are my blessings?' They seem to directly refer to this morning's task. It's the first day of a new thing, one of those outside agencies I wrote about earlier in the week, the very first day. It's a new start, the beginning of putting things back together again. Well, that started as soon as things were blown to bits, but you know what I mean.

The Sun (or Solar Deity) will shine his light into the dark corners, refresh the pilgrim spirit, and new perspectives will be seen.

Three major cards, a big deal.

Cori writes of each:

Solar Deity - 'When this key appears it is a hallmark of great things in the works. It is a gloriously beautiful new day.' 

Starseed - 'When this card appears in a reading, it implies that the querent is off on a new quest, unconditionally, knowing that a new experience, an unknown, is about to unfold and become manifest.' 

Hanging Man - 'Hanging man appears to be waiting to be reborn, as many of us describe it, into to a new spiritual consciousness.'

It is a lot to ask of a 1.5 hour meeting, but there is nothing to lose and much to be gained by trying. I feel hopeful. Each day has been the beginning of healing, of course. This day appears particularly auspicious. And even if these cards refer not to today but to general life (because after all, I didn't ask about today, I asked 'What are my blessings?) they are good tidings. They show me good things. Whatever the outcome of this situation, however it turns out, I still have these blessings.

Clean anger

 Karma. What a loaded word. So many people think 'karma' means 'paybacks'. No, no, a thousand times no. It does not mean paybacks. I've written about this before.

What's happening to me is not because I deserve it, or because of some 'sin' from a past life, or because my 'negative energy' has 'drawn it to me', or even because of some 'lesson' I need to learn. There is no cosmic tick sheet keeping track of lessons we all need to learn, and meting them out to us in different forms depending on how much pain we have 'earned'. That is bullshit! And I don't believe for one single minute that someone's 'soul' decided to it would be good to born profoundly disabled or to die after a few hours in this world in order to 'learn' some 'lesson'. Bullshit! Bullshit!

What's happening to me is simply what is happening to me. It's not happening for a reason, it is just happening. The way I choose to deal with it, the actions that I take in response, that is my karma. That is what karma means.

The word karma means 'action'. I will show you again the actual scriptural teaching on karma from the Brihadaranyaka Upanishad:

Yeah, we've all been there.

https://www.facebook.com/InappropriateTarot

One more thing I have lived through

 Of course there are times in our lives when we think, 'What could there possibly be to celebrate?' It's the worst thing that's ever happened to us, or so we feel at that time, and the very idea of seeing any sort of bright side seems like a betrayal of our own suffering. And yet today we see Three of Chalices from Sirian Starseed Tarot (Cori, 2012).

Three frosted wine glasses with golden stems float above the surf on a beach. In the background, superimposed on the sky, three little girls with garlands of flowers huddle with their heads together, giggling. They look (disturbingly, in this instance) like members of a wedding party.

According to the LWB, this key (that's what Cori calls the majors) is about friendship and the celebration of unconditional love. It reminds me that from all over the world online and in my real life, too, people have been reaching out to me in concern, asking what's wrong, and extending their well wishes. All of this positive being sent to me can only be helping me to heal and find my feet. I appreciate it more than you know.

'The three opens to the celebration of what comes from sharing emotionally and spiritually with others -- without limitation.' ~ Cori, LWB

Openness is a pivotal part of what has been happening to me lately. Sharing everything without limitation is the only way that my current situation is going to be resolved, or that those of us involved can possibly heal and move forward. We have to be able to share our thoughts and feelings, and most importantly, be able to teach each what we need from the other. It's crucial.

The Indigo Angel card for the day:

'This card reminds you that life will continue long after you've gotten through this challenge and forgotten all about it. The angels ask you to concentrate on the good things in your life and see beyond whatever is going on around you.' 

There will never be a time when I will have 'forgotten all about' this. But if I can release the pain enough in this moment, I can see that there will be a time when it feels like and is a distant memory. It will feel like something that happened to someone else, a story that I was told. (That's the way all my other traumas that are now in the past feel to me, so I am sure that will be the case for this one, too.) 

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that one day this will all be in the past, just one more thing I have lived through. 

Outside in

This is a beautiful card from Sirian Starseed Tarot (Cori 2013). It's the Hierophant, and it features a statue of Buddha floating between the forepaws of the Sphinx. All the colours of the chakras swirl around them.

"What is that which in the morning goeth upon four feet; upon two feet in the afternoon; and in the Evening upon three?" 

This is the riddle of the Sphinx. It speaks to us of stages of life...Everything we go through is a process. No matter how random and chaotic things seem, there is a process to them. I'm not saying there's a master plan because I do not believe in master plans. But there is a process. We do not have to discover it so much as surrender to it. Allow it to happen.

I'm still in shock and in turmoil. But I am beginning to see that there are things out there than can act as a bridge. Organisations, systems, and bodies that exist to help and to guide, and I can access those. It's the traditional interpretation of the Hierophant.

Now here I differ with the meanings given in Cori's LWB:

Lost my Google Plus

Well, things just get better and better. For some reason my Google Plus ID is gone. So all the people I was following and all my followers are lost. Fortunately Blogger still let me sign in and allowed me to set a new ID - very big of them considering this is my blog and all I did was try to sign in. I've used the same photo but this one is called just 'Carla' and it's not on Google Plus. 

Oh I give up. Who knows if the next time I get on here I'll even be able to get into my blog at all.

All the blogs I was following -- lost. No feed.

Complete and utter crap.

I may come back later to do today's card draw. For now I'm going to make another pot of decaf and get a pillow and blanket and get on the sofa.

Very apt

It's the Three of Orbs (3 of Swords) today from Sirian Starseed. It's also Day 3 since my trauma. I woke up this morning feeling sick and crying. Thankfully, yesterday I went to the GP and was given beta blockers and valium and that controls the anxiety enough that I can actually think rationally.

'Through the dark hour of the soul, when all appears to be dim, and the mind's eye is clouded to the vision of the higher purpose of difficult or painful experiences in life, the light of understanding is within your grasp. The card invites us to conquer the mind's focus on pain and loss, and look to the light, where we can transform our thoughts to acceptance and forward motion.' ~Patricia Cori, LWB

And some really penetrating questions:

What core beliefs or convictions have to be let go of?
How can you accept the pain of your loss and learn from it? 
What fear of separation or infidelity is causing you to suffer? 

I can't share with you the answer to those questions, but I can say that this card strikes deeply where I am at this moment. These are good questions for journaling, I think. Or just for sitting and pondering.

The Indigo Angel card for today:

Another lightning card, interesting. The LWB advises: You're extremely sensitive and can unknowingly absorb a lot of negative energy. This limits your understanding. Step away temporarily and connect with this beautiful planet. 

A walk would probably do me good at that. I may do that. But first I have to coax myself out of my bathrobe and bleary valium-induced haze (and don't think I'm not grateful for that haze right now). 

Ten of Orbs (10 of Swords) from Sirian Starseed Tarot (North Atlantic Books, 2012). Very apt for right now. The swords aren't in his back, but they might as well be. They're not though. He can survive. I will, too.

Bad things are happening and I have no control over them. But there are things I can control, and I am going to focus on those.

It's a very bad time, a traumatic time.







I decided to draw an angel card and it just stabbed me even more painfully, though I hope the message is true:

Sirian Starseed Tarot (Cori 2012).
Indigo Angel Oracle (Virtue 2013).

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March up to the gate and bid it open - 7 of Wands

'You're out of the woods
You're out of the dark
You're out of the night
Step into the sun
Step into the light

Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place
On the face of the earth or the sky

Hold onto your breath
Hold onto your heart
Hold onto your hope
March up to the gate and bid it open'

~Wizard of Oz 

The 7 of Wands is traditionally about self-defense, or proving oneself through some sort of trial. Today's card from Deviant Moon Tarot (US Games 2013) has a similar sensibility, but the trial is over in this depiction. 

'A bewildered child has been lost in the thicket for several days. Against overwhelming odds, she finally discovers a path that will lead her home. Seven blooming wands mark the end of her ordeal.' ~ Patrick Valenza, LWB

I'm really glad it's Friday, but I can't help but think how fast weeks go by these days. Weeks seem to go by as fast as days used to when I was a kid. I wonder why that is. Do you remember how summer break used to last forever? All those endless glorious days, and when the school finally started again, you felt like it had been an age since you were there. Well, I suppose that's natural. When you're only 10 years old, a year is 10% of your entire life so far! No wonder a week or a summer seems so long. When you're getting on to 50, it doesn't feel like such a significant chunk. :) 

But anyway, this card is about finding your way out or overcoming obstacles. What obstacles are you facing, or what 'thicket' are you feeling lost in right now? The card assures you that you can find your way out, if you don't lose faith in your own ability. Don't doubt yourself. You're nearly there! 

Grail Shrimp? Deviant Moon Knight of Cups

The knights in Deviant Moon Tarot (US Games 2013) all ride a steed of some sort (Knight of Wands rides a giant bug, Knight of Swords a horse, Knight of Pentacles a mechanical steam-powered conveyance) except our Knight of Cups, who seems himself to be some sort of sea creature clad in armour. Maybe he's thrown himself so much into his element that he's become part of it (water).

'The loyal knight presents his find to the world: the gift of hope. His long search has taken him over and under a boundless sea. His once magnificent armour now bears a green patina. This journey has changed not only his body, but his soul as well.' ~ Patrick Valenza, LWB

So, he has evolved over the course of his quest.

This interpretation differs somewhat from the traditional view of the Knight of Cups as an adolescent figure overwhelmed by his own passions and emotions, much like Romeo, impetuous and histrionic. The Deviant Moon's Knight of Cups seems to have completed his grail quest, and holds his resulting treasure reverently, with both hands.

Best laid plans

7 of Swords 

'The harlequin attempts to swallow his swords in a dramatic display of skill, yet his plan is flawed. The rope which binds the blades is frayed and will soon break, leaving him in a tragic predicament.' ~ Patrick Valenza, Deviant Moon Tarot LWB (US Games 2013)

He does appear to be in considerable peril, but I wonder what happened to his right foot!

The divinatory meanings given in the LWB are: ill-conceived plans, a path to failure, a poor attempt. These are a bit different from the usual RWS meanings of cunning, deception, or the more innocent pursuit of knowledge (study).

Thoth tradition names this card Lord of Futility, which doesn't quite have the same feeling as this particular interpretation of 7 of Swords, as Lord of Futility is more about feeling too doubtful to take a decisive course of action. The figure in this card doesn't seem to doubt his abilities, in fact may be overconfident and not seeing all the factors involved in his current course of action, nor their possible consequences. On the other hand, few activities seem more futile than sword swallowing.

This leads me to the following questions for today:

Emperor keeps shining his influence today

Well, I've heard that Red Bull gives you energy. I think that little critter's meant to be a ram, though. Or it ought to be for this card. Oh well!

It's the Emperor from Deviant Moon Tarot (US Games 2013) today. Apart from his strange chin and Gene Simmons boots, this character looks almost normal. The symbols on the card are all familiar, too. The chess board is often associated with Emperor; we see it in several decks, denoting the Emperor's black and white view of things, his military skills (ability to out think his adversaries, stay one step ahead of the game to keep a firm hold on his empire). The turrets and castle walls in the background show his power and wealth, which we also see in his purple robe with ermine trim. All very familiar.

'Dominating all that is around him, the Emperor sits with confidence. Although pleased with his achievements, he looks towards other areas of conquest.' ~Patrick Valenza, Deviant Moon LWB

The recent full moon was in Aries, or Emperor, and it looks like his influence continues. Now here's something to contemplate:

Can you give too much?

It seems redundant to keep writing, 'What a weird image,' but I truly can't think of anything else to say when I draw a card from Deviant Moon Tarot (US Games 2013). Today's card is 6 of Pentacles:

'Compassion for the plight of the dead has led a wealthy man into the cemetery. Meeting a soul who longs for the material world, the man offers one of his six pentacles in an open act of generosity'. ~ LWB, Patrick Valenza. 

Riiight, okay, that's weird.

I know, I know. The guy's got three legs. He's got one arm reaching from his chest like out of a first floor window. His other hands are coming out of his back. It's weird!

It gets weirder, though. According to the LWB, the textures of the clothing of the figures in this deck are taken from graveyards of eastern Long Island, and the architecture of the buildings in the cards comes from photography of a 'local abandoned insane asylum.' You what? That's pretty weird.

Deck Review - Deviant Moon Tarot

Steampunk. Nightmare Before Christmas. Hieronymus Bosch. Where the Wild Things Are. The clockwork visions of a disturbed Victorian 5-year-old. Deviant Moon Tarot.

I've put off buying this deck for years. It was weird, it was dark, it was unsettling -- it was voted Number One Tarot Deck of All Time a few years in a row by the purple site, which annoyed me. How could it come out ahead of the Rider Waite Smith that it was clearly based on? So I thought, screw it. Who needs more darkness in their lives?

But this year, I couldn't face a month of readings with the Halloween Tarot (Kipling West, US Games). And yet, I always want to use appropriately themed decks in the weeks leading up to Samhain. So I put feelers out to other tarotists for suggestions of a dark deck and Deviant Moon came enough that I bit the bullet and purchased. The borderless edition looked more appealing than the older one, so I got that.

It's a weird deck. It is not the best tarot deck of all time. But it is a good one.

Full Moon in Aries Emperor Reading

                               1. How am I an Emperor?
                               2. How am I not an Emperor?
                               3. Where do I need to take charge?
                               4. What will help me do that?
                               5. How am I weak?
                               6. How am I strong?

I really don't think I like this reading at all--and it is those uncomfortable readings that we need to pay most attention to. This one has brought up some of my shadow aspects, things about myself I don't like to look at.

Share a Spread Sunday - Full Moon in Aries

Full Moon in Aries
8 October 2014

This week the full moon is in Aries, which is associated with the Emperor. I thought it would be fun to look at a 'wisdom reading' from Rachel Pollack's 'Tarot Wisdom'.

First of all, the Emperor, according to Rachel, can be interpreted four ways:

1. The laws of society
2. Divine law
3. Daddy
4. Zeus and other kings of the gods

These are pretty standard interpretations, nothing earth-shattering there. The Emperor can be rules, authority, hierarchy, power; the abstract principles of universal laws (such as physics) and/or Creator God; the masculine principle or father figures; or a king of the gods from any pantheon.

So are you feeling manly this week or what? In what ways might you need to take command of a situation, take a leadership role, or act with intent and purpose?

In fact, you could use the questions above for your Full Moon Spread, but I'm going to use the questions from Rachel Pollack's book, and they include a 'wisdom reading'. These are questions that go beyond the personal. These are audacious questions that boldly ask for very BIG answers, questions like 'What is love?' 'What is the meaning of Time?' or 'Who is God?'

This is Rachel's 'personal spread' based on the Emperor: 

1. How am I an Emperor?
2. How am I not an Emperor?
3. Where do I need to take charge?
4. What will help me do that?
5. How am I weak?
6. How am I strong?

But then as a last question, she throws in one that is really a 'wisdom reading':

7. What are the rules? 

Do you dare to do a draw on that question? I am going to be looking at both spreads this week.