That's about the size of it - 10 of Swords

Francois Chosson 1736, Yves Reynaud

Camelia Elias calls the 10 of Swords the 'Oh dear, I'm done' card.

Fed up.
Can't take anymore.
Tired of thinking of about it.
Tired of worrying about it.
Tired of plots, schemes and machinations.
Tired of complications.
Tired of conflicting information.
Tired of arguments, rhetoric, 'alternating viewpoints'.
Tired of other people's crap.
Tired of your own crap.
Just plain old tired.
Worn out, had enough, that's it, that's all.

(A ray of hope -- the two swords with tips crossed suggest an ally to help get you through this. Find the ally!

-- Or you might even BE the ally. Did you ever think of that? No, of course not. You only ever think about yourself! LOL)

Ouch. My face.

Llewellyn Tarot 

This is how I feel today. Yesterday somehow I managed to hurt my shoulder while taking a bath. When I got in the bath, my shoulder didn't hurt, when I got out, it hurt like heck. Don't ask me. I didn't do any odd reaching or twisting, I didn't get out of the tub funny, it just hurts. Right across the top, the collarbone and trapezius area. I've taken ibuprofen and will be careful today. This is all getting a little tiresome.

Last month, I spent a fortune on some new workout DVDs, and then more money when they got nabbed by customs and I had to pay £20 extra just to get them from the Post Office. I've done two of them, once each. Last one was first week of November.

I was looking at myself in my bathrobe yesterday. The belt on my bathrobe keeps getting shorter, you know what I mean? Gosh, I've gotten fat again. Fat and mushy and my back and shoulders hurt. How bad does it have to get before I take some action? And the real question, am I going to wait until it's too late before I do something? The day will come when I won't be physically able to do the things that I am refusing to do today. The day will come when I wish I could do what I refuse to do now. And that day is not going to announce its arrival, it's not going to mark the diary for me. Once it comes, that's it. I should do a little something today. It doesn't have to be a lot. Just something.

Maybe some yoga. Super gentle and intelligent yoga.

Wait a minute. CBT kicking in. 'I should do something today.' Remove the should. Change should statements to 'desire to'.

I desire to do a little yoga today. I desire to do some yoga today. I desire to. :)

Here we go again

An opportunity has come up to do my current role full time in a different location. It would mean moving to a new town and stepping into an environment in transition. I thought I'd draw a few cards:

1. What are my chances of securing this post?
2. How will I feel about working in this role in this new environment?
3. What are the major challenges I would face if successful?
4. How would I overcome them?
5. What would be the biggest rewards of taking this role?
6. How would taking this job affect the overall quality of my life?

That is a pretty definitive answer to the first question! My chances of getting the job are quite good, as I have drawn the Six of Staffs, the traditional card of triumph depicting the homecoming of a victorious military leader.

The forward momentum of the first card, in which the figure has his left arm raised toward the rest of the spread, continues in the next card, Page of Staffs. In this role, I would feel energised and enthusiastic. The Page of Staffs in the Byzantine Tarot is a messenger, and this card implies that I would be busy following orders and acting as a go-between. This is actually in line with my job description and comes as no surprise. I do like the fact that Page has youthful energy; it implies a freshness. However, it also denotes a naivete and so it's possible I might bumble through the role oblivious to certain undercurrents -- and that's okay with me, too.

The third card continues to face right into the spread; this time the Knight of Cups holds the cup aloft -- toward the heavens? Toward his superior officer? There is a feeling of a Grail Knight about this figure, and we know what sort of life a Grail Knight led -- slogging lost through the wastelands seeking to do the impossible. Oh my! That's a big challenge to face. Perhaps the job might feel overwhelming, or I might feel that my personal commitment and dedication is not paying off in the way that I'd hoped or dreamed. I may feel called upon to 'gallant' behaviour, defending those who I feel are weaker than myself, in other words, always trying to stick up for those I supervise. I can see that.

The way to overcome this challenge is depicted in Ten of Swords. I will need to recognise lost causes and practice letting go of the fight. There is no point in carrying on with a battle that you can't win. I can see a real conflict between the Knight of Cups and the Ten of Swords here. The Knight of Cups clings fiercely to his ideals and his causes, which are quite often romantic illusions, no matter how passionately he feels about them. The Ten of Swords couldn't be a stronger message of how futile such battling would be. That is a stark warning. Do I want to get myself into a situation where I would constantly need to let go of my higher ideals, for my very survival? That's a question. But it could also be character building, in that it would involve learning to live in reality instead of illusion.

I get reinforcement for these interpretations in the next card, which answers 'What would be the biggest reward of taking this role?' Answer: Fortitude. The Byzantine Tarot depicts the Bible story of Jacob, who encounters a stranger (who in fact is an angel) and they engage in a wrestling match that lasts all night. Jacob gets him in a hold and won't let the angel go until he receives a blessing. The encounter leaves Jacob with a limp, but also a name change -- to Israel, and he becomes the patriarch of the Israelites. This has a different feel to the traditional image of the maiden overcoming the lion through the strength of her gentleness! In this Strength (or Fortitude) card, the man pays a price for his reward, and his strategy does not involve gentleness but iron will.

And as to how the job would affect the overall quality of my life, I have drawn Judgement! So the new job would pretty much change everything. It would be a transformation. It's interesting, though, that this card depicts the other side of the coin of Judgement Day that you don't see in RWS -- not everyone who rises gets into paradise. I take this to mean at the very least that the changes will be profound, and both good and bad.

The Hamburger Moment: A Reading

An article that's making the rounds on Facebook caught my eye the other day:

The Hamburger Moment: I wasn't treating my husband fairly and it wasn't nice

I recognized a lot of my own patterns of behaviour in that article, and not for the first time. I know from experience that I am not the only woman who tends to come down very hard on her partner for small things. I've listened to women complain to each other vigorously about such sins as leaving wet towels in the floor, not opening the hamper but leaving clothes on top, and putting toilet paper the wrong way round. I have certainly seen a lot of this sort of behaviour on TV shows like 'Everybody Loves Raymond' and 'Home Improvement,' etc (forgive my ancient TV references, I don't watch a lot of sitcoms anymore). I guess we've been doing this crap for a long time; it's even mentioned in the Bible: 'A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand' (Proverbs 27:15-16). Ha ha!

I don't have a clue about the bigger picture of why there seems to be a pattern of women nitpicking. Maybe it has something to do with some underlying pressure to be perfect ourselves, imposed on us by cultural and societal expectations, maybe it's learned behaviour from watching our mothers, don't know, but what I do know is I can try to recognize and address this sort of thing in myself. Better late than never. So here is what I asked:

1. Why do I slip into the habit of constant fault-finding in my husband? 

2. What is the best course of action to address this? 

3. What is the biggest challenge in this course of action?
4. What is the biggest support?

5. What is the outcome? 

I then pulled 5 cards and examined them:  7 of Cups - 2 of Pents - 10 of Swords - 10 of Wands - 6 of Cups. I was getting an impression of the reading, but decided to pull clarifiers for each card in the spread (not something I usually do) and laid them in a second row beneath: Sun - Ace of Wands - High Priestess - King of Swords - Queen of Wands. Each card I laid down felt like 'Boom! There it is!' They just solidified the original draw so well. Let's take them in pairs. 

 I do this because of deceptive, destructive fantasies of perfection. It's not just him I hold to these unconscious rules, it's the entire world! I've been reading a lot about irrational beliefs that underlie our unhelpful responses to life, and I've identified several from a list produced by Albert Ellis (12 Self-Defeating Beliefs). The ones at work here seem to be:

*People should always do the right thing and when they don't, they must be punished.
*Things must be the way I want them or life will be intolerable.
*My unhappiness is caused by things outside my control, so there is little I can do to feel better.
*Every problem must have an ideal solution, and it is intolerable when one cannot be found.
*To be a worthy person, one must succeed at what they do and make no mistakes.

I have no idea how these irrational rules and beliefs become embedded in us, but I have found that when I feel upset about something, if I have a look at these lists, I can usually quickly identify the irrational belief or demand that is causing the discomfort. It is rather uncanny. So what's the best course of action?

To create 'a partnership working with proper energy flow and support', I must remember that 'mood swings may threaten stability' and that 'anger and not fully understanding the consequences of actions' will break down the balance. (The quotations come directly from the LWB of the Sacred Rose Tarot deck. It's useful to keep and to check the LWB! Sometimes what you find there is spot on!)

The key here is to learn to catch myself between the irrational belief and the consequences (that's the exact term used by Ellis -- fits, doesn't it!) of that belief. It's almost impossible to do that, so the only way you can change a habitual response is by doing what Ellis called ABC analysis (see previous blogs here and here). Over time, with reflection and by disputing irrational beliefs after the fact, the behaviour begins to change. That's the theory, and it's certainly helped with my tinnitus, so why not try it here.

The biggest challenge is of course rooting out and recognizing the self-defeating actions. That's reflected in the pairing of 10 of Wands and High Priestess. The LWB says there are 'excessive pressures and problems to be resolved' and that good judgement is based on 'logic and knowledge removed from the confusion of emotion.' That is precisely the process of REBT. It's not easy, it's hard work. So it's the biggest challenge.

The biggest support comes from the cerebral nature of the whole thing. This is the death of irrational beliefs and the meticulous re-training of the thinking needed to challenge and change them. If the King of Swords were to identify something as entirely self-defeating, he would be merciless in rooting it out. This is a good thing. When my King of Swords nature recognizes how illogical and pointless certain beliefs are, he simply won't allow me to believe them anymore. And when I don't hold a certain belief anymore (like 'people must be perfect and they if they make a mistake they deserve to be punished') then I won't react to events based on that belief anymore (like if my husband or I drop the cafetiere and break it, it is cause for a flash of anger and sharp words). -- If my underlying belief can be changed to 'People make mistakes and though it's inconvenient it is not intolerable and we remain worthy human beings regardless of our mistakes', then dropping the cafetiere would result in 'Oh crap, oh well.'

The outcome of attacking this behaviour using these techniques? I will become responsible (or accept responsibility for) my own emotions. This will allow me to access the better qualities of my Queen of Wands nature: warmth and affection coupled with authority and determination.


I then asked, 'What is the overall message to me about this issue?' and drew three cards:

It's up to me to recall the source of love and emotion and to exercise my free will in deciding how I will react, what path I will choose in response to the cycles of the day-to-day. There is always a choice in response to the Wheel of Fortune. May its genesis be love, and not flawed beliefs and unconscious rules. 

All images in this post are from Sacred Rose Tarot (US Games 1982). 

Ten of Orbs (10 of Swords) from Sirian Starseed Tarot (North Atlantic Books, 2012). Very apt for right now. The swords aren't in his back, but they might as well be. They're not though. He can survive. I will, too.

Bad things are happening and I have no control over them. But there are things I can control, and I am going to focus on those.

It's a very bad time, a traumatic time.







I decided to draw an angel card and it just stabbed me even more painfully, though I hope the message is true:

Sirian Starseed Tarot (Cori 2012).
Indigo Angel Oracle (Virtue 2013).

Decision day

10 of Swords - Daniloff Tarot 

Oh good, then.

This is a most gruesome and unpleasant 10 of Swords from the Daniloff Tarot (2012). I wonder what in the world might be in store for me today to warrant such a draw!

Now I just wonder if this isn't necessarily a personal thing. Today is the long-discussed Scottish Referendum. I think whatever happens, dark days are ahead. Yes or No, I think it's going to be a tight vote, and whichever way it goes, there will be a lot of unrest in Scotland as a result of all this, particularly if it's a tight no, because the Yes side seem so emotional about the whole thing, I think things could kick off. I would not be at all surprised to hear of riots, even if they end up being small scale. And the questions, so many questions! Even the smallest of changes in real life always bring unexpected complications -- can you imagine how many will pop up trying to create a whole new country? Wow.

On the other hand, this could be my personal card of the day. If so, I'll be glad to see the back of it!

I see...trouble on the way

If you draw the 10 of Swords, is your first thought, 'Oh no!'?  Mine is. So when I drew it this morning from CBD Tarot, I quickly turned over the next card to find out more. 5 of Coins? You must be joking. Next, please -- Magician.

So...an interesting day ahead. There will be an exhausting and complex situation, probably conflict, caused by a disruption. There will be something discovered today which throws a spanner in the works. Someone is going to have to do some 'magic' to fix it. Hopefully, if it's me who has to do it, there will be others on hand to help out.

I like the way the Magician is looking toward the two troublemaker cards, and pointing the wand in their direction, too, in the attitude of a spear chucker! Zap! Take that! He seems to say. And his expression shows no fear whatever, but rather, more like amusement. From this I take courage that the 10 of Swords and 5 of Coins may be a tempest in a teapot or petty complaint from someone, that I will have to sort out for them. It will be a big deal to them and they will try to make it a big deal to me, but really it's nothing. This I can handle.

ETA: Well, the work day is done and things played out pretty much as predicted -- instead of it being a member of staff, though, it was a customer! I had an absolutely vile customer complaint via phone, which also pivoted around the number 5 (can't go into details of course), and though I managed the situation well, it did shake me up enough that after the call I went upstairs and to my surprise very briefly burst into tears. So there it was.

Being mean to yourself

When you've take a day of annual leave to enjoy a nice three day weekend, you don't expect to pull the 10 of Swords for your day off, but that's just what I've done this morning from Kat Black's Touchstone Tarot (Kunati 2009).

Of course my first reaction was what?? Oh no! What could this mean? The 10 of Swords card is something I usually interpret as feeling 'stabbed to the ground' by life. This could either come from real circumstances in your life, something that actually happened in other words, or it could just be a feeling you've got, the result of overreacting to events, circumstances or your own imaginings.

I didn't wake up this morning feeling 'stabbed to the ground by life', but I did wake up from a strange dream in which I was going around wearing no clothes (not an uncommon dream motif) but in my dream I was much, much fatter than I am in real life, and all over my skin, especially on my calves and the backs of my knees and the backs of my hamstrings just above the knee, I had very large skin tags and the skin had a knobbly texture. It was frightening and embarrassing to find myself in such a condition and I thought in the dream that it was shameful that I had let myself get to this state. I should be ashamed of myself, I thought, for not taking better care of myself and paying more attention to the condition of my body. I wasn't quite awake yet but stirring around and feeling troubled, when I realised somewhere in my awakening mind that it had been a dream and my legs were still smooth and blemish free (with the exception of some gooshiness in the upper thigh, which I was fixated on yesterday and which is no doubt the source of the exaggerated condition of my legs in the dream).

I'm not sure what that has to do with the 10 of Swords; I usually link 9 of Swords to nightmares. Out of curiosity, I drew the next card in the deck and guesss what it was--yep, 9 of Swords. That made me snort. So I thought what the heck, might as well draw an outcome card, and the next card in the deck was...10 of Cups. Oh, good then. At least I know I'll pull out of this funk before the day is through. :)

I did a 30-minute kickbox workout yesterday which, in the old days, would have been a light workout for me. This morning I feel sore all over. That's how out of shape I am. My arms are actually sore just from air boxing. Now, I've never interpreted 10 of Swords as being 'sore after a workout' -- but maybe it has to do with self-condemnation, for allowing myself to get this out of shape after all the years of hard work I'd put into it. There's another thought for 10 of Swords. Self-condemnation.

Still, there are two elements of this card that give hope and encouragement. The man in the card is not alone; his faithful dog has not left his side. I take the dog to represent both my life companion(s), and also my own faithfulness to myself. And the butterfly (which Kat Black includes on most sword cards in both her decks) reminds subtly of the transformative potential of any kind of pain or stress. You can rise again, and rise up better. If you want to.

Survivor

After a long, hot and in many ways troublesome week, I see myself getting up from it all and moving AWAY from the source of irritation --which is perfectly appropriate, as we're going away for the weekend and what a welcome break it will be.

Today's card is Ten of Swords from the Anna K Tarot (Llewellyn, 2013), which depicts an austere, snowy scene of 10 swords standing (and lying) in a pool of blood. Walking away from the swords toward the horizon is a man with a wounded, bloody back, leaving bloody footprints in his wake. The swords must have been in his back, and yet he's survived the ordeal and is walking away, toward the horizon, which for me is always a symbol of hope.

This is one of my favourite cards in the Anna K Tarot deck. It shows what the traditional 10 of Swords only implies -- that the worst has been endured, and from here on out, the only way is up.

As usual in a daily draw, the interpretation is less melodramatic! I haven't been stabbed to the ground by life this week, but I have had some irritations, so it's nice to see the 'worst' is behind me.

Helper Bee

Servants of the Light Tarot, Aquarian Press 1991

I was going to do just a one-card draw today, but as soon as I turned over Giver of Staves in the Servants of the Light Tarot (Aquarian Press 1991), I had a strong impression that this reading is about Hubby's mum, and so I turned over the next two cards. The Giver of Staves in Servants of the Light is equivalent to Queen of Swords in regular RWS decks. This is because the elemental attributions of Swords and Wands (Weapons and Staves in this deck) have been switched, and with them, the traditional card means. Queen of Swords traditionally means a widow, so I thought of Hubby's mum. I turned over 5 of Spheres (5 of Pentacles) -- just this morning we learned that she fell yesterday and may have broken her hip (Hubby has dashed off to help out today). I turned over the next card, for outcome, and 10 of Staves is there. MIL is 89 years old, and we all know what a broken hip and that age can mean. It is very troubling.

Musings on the Celtic Tarot: Swords

Suit of Swords--Celtic Tarot, Davis  

The first thing I notice about this suit is the arcing of lightning or electricity and its various manifestations throughout. You can see the first stirrings of it on the tip of the sword in the Ace, then the big spark jumping between sword tips in the Two. It's gone in the Three, but beginning to whirl up again behind the swords in the Four, goes a little crazy in the Five, shoots a clear steady beam in the Six, becomes a full on power storm in the Seven, then is pretty much gone in Eight, Nine and Ten. The background of those cards also appears a deeper red. Why? Looking closer, you can see that there is a ball of energy in Eight, a few glimmering pinpoints in Nine, and a few even smaller ones in Ten. Curious...what could it mean?