Who am I?

Esoteric Celtic Cross 

Having seen Rachel Pollack's Esoteric Cross Spread in action on Kerry's Neopagan Priestess blog, I changed the order around and laid the cards out my own way: 

1) Who am I?
2) Where do I come from?
3) What deep energy powers me?
4) What higher truth guides me?
5) What is my task?
6) Who is my hidden self?
7) What will I discover when I leave this form?

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5----------6/1---------7

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Lay out the cards face down: 1, 2, 3. Then at the top of the column place 4. Then go across, placing 5, tucking card 6 horizontally under card 1, then laying down 7.  (In the above photo, I forgot to tuck card 6 under card 1, but in the real one, I did...sorry!)

To read the spread, turn the cards over one by one, beginning with card 1, considering each answer on its own before moving on to the next card. When you turn over card 6, lay it across card 1. Consider how these two 'selves' work together (or against one another) in your life. Consider how this combination of cards manifests in you. This in itself could take quite some time. Then examine the full spread and the cards' relation to one another.

Who am I?

The Page of Pentacles is a character who is always digging around and exploring. He's like a little kid who notices the tiny details of his environment around him. He notices the nest of baby birds. He sees the snail crawling along the side of the wet pavement. He keeps a collection of pennies and likes to sit and sort them by date. He hasn't yet learned to be as acquisitive as the elder courts in his suit, nor has he gained their wisdom. He just loves looking at stuff, he loves the details of life. Tiny things attract his attention, fascinate him. 

In many ways I am like this. I take joy in small things. In fact, some of my favourite songs and poems are about this. There was a country song several years ago that I still hum and sing: 

Little Bitty (singer Alan Jackson, songwriter Tom Hall)

Have a little love on a little honeymoon
You got a little dish and you got a little spoon
A little bitty house and a little bitty yard
Little bitty dog and a little bitty car

Chorus: 

Well, it's alright to be little bitty
Little hometown or a big old city
Might as well share, might as well smile
Life goes on for a little bitty while

A little bitty baby in a little bitty gown
It'll grow up in a little bitty town
Big yellow bus and little bitty books
It all started with a little bitty look

You know you got a job and a little bitty check
Six pack of beer and television set
Little bitty world goes around and around
Little bit of silence and a little bit of sound

A good ole boy and a pretty little girl
Start all over in a little bitty world
A little bitty plan and a little bitty dream
It's all part of a little bitty scheme

I've just never had a lot of ambition. I am not driven to seek attention (Wands type behaviour), nor think big thoughts (Swords), nor to heal the world (Cups), nor to gather up earthly riches (Pentacles). Page of Pentacles actually seems right to me. I really am quite content to have just enough, and to be able to make my little bitty observations of life. 

Where do I come from?

I come from a legacy of love and domesticity, and this is what I first think of when viewing this card. 10 of Pentacles. A working class background, a nuclear family (do people still say that?), but with lots of cousins and aunts and uncles around. I come from a land that holds a particular set of values which I believe this card embodies quite well--abundance, and family values, and domestic bliss. 

But if this card were meant to answer, 'Where Do I Come From?'--ultimately where does my being originate-- I see this card as extremely positive. I must come from a long line of love. If this is the place I have been sent out from, surely I am meant to gather wisdom during my sojourn on earth and then return to that welcoming place, where there are young and old, many mansions, faith and loyalty and happiness. 

What deep energy powers me?

You know, in this earthly form, at some point you must acknowledge the sense that there is something more.  That there's something you can't name. You sense that something big is just beyond your ability to comprehend, to know. You start to feel a great yearning and longing to find some shred of this thing that you sense existing just on the other side of your finite, earthly state of being. And it puts you off the simple pleasures of earthly life, enough to turn your feet down the spiritual path. 

This is the deep energy that powers me. It's this incredible THING looming just beyond my ken, and I am searching for it, searching high and low, in the tarot, in books, in meditation, in magic, in history, in my dreams. It offers itself to me, if I can manage to strike the balance that allows me to savour both it and my life on earth.

What higher truth guides me?

The 7 of Wands here reminds me of a poem by Langston Hughes. 

'Mother to Son'

Well, son, I'll tell you:

Life for me ain't been no crystal stair. 

It's had tacks in it,

And splinters,

And boards torn up,

And places with no carpet on the floor--

bare.

But all the time

I'se been climbin on,

And reachin landin's, 

And turnin corners.

And sometimes goin' in the dark where there ain't been no light.

So, boy, don't you turn back.

Don't you set down on them steps

'Cause you find it's kinda hard.

Don't you fall now--

For I'se still goin, honey,

I'se still climbin.

And life for me ain't been no crystal stair. 

The same sentiment is seen in the Zen proverb: Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. 

You don't stop. Life doesn't get easier, but you don't stop. 

What is my task?

My task in this life is to learn some lessons about the source of happiness. Domestic bliss is not the single path to happiness. Domestic bliss may not even actually exist. This card seems to be about the human family, not the nuclear family. Who is my family? Who is my brother? Who is my soul mate? What is expected of me in relation to the human family? What do I owe my fellow man? What do I give? What do I take? What do I learn from them? What can I teach them? What can we offer each other? Where do I end and they begin? Where do they end and I begin? 

The question reminds me of the Metta Sutta: sukhino vā khemino hontu. ('May all beings be happy and safe.') It is my task to wish this happiness on all beings. 

Who is my hidden self?

It is the 8 of Pentacles. The hidden part of me is about diligence and productivity. This card speaks of self-directed productivity done not for glory or rewards but for personal satisfaction. I don't think this card is in conflict with the Page of Pentacles, but I do see how it could turn sour, and become intense pressure on the self to perform and produce. I can see how this could become a shadow card, if the product does not meet expectations, especially after all that hard work. 

Perfectionism and personal drive isn't exactly hidden to me. But it is probably at work behind the scenes to a far greater degree than I have recognized in my life. It is probably, based on this draw, the underlying reason for much dissatisfaction and self-doubt. 

What will I learn when I leave this form?

I will understand why there is pain in this lifetime.  I  will absorb that as well, and it will make sense--or whatever 'making sense' can mean when you are part of Oneness. 

I don't think I will see the Big Picture. I will be the Big Picture. 

This concept is making my heart thud in my chest and my throat ache, right this second. Could this feeling be a pale glimpse of the aching beauty of it All? 

I don't know. But I will.